When the Zombies Attack John Cusack Is Your Man!
Chele — Wed, 07/28/2010 - 01:12
The Zombie apocalypse is coming. You think I’m joking? I kid you not, it is. With the way science is attempting and succeeding at genetic manipulation and the creation of biochemical weapons, it’s only a matter of time until zombies stop being an imaginary foe and come to hunt us down. They have been spotted in places as remote and unimportant as Pittsburgh.
See! Right among us they walk and we ignore them. Then again it’s not hard to confuse a Steelers fan with a Zombie.
When the time comes and they decide to attack, there is only one man I want by my side.
John Freaking Cusack.
Why? Cinematically, the man has never died in any of his films and I figure he must have picked up a few things along the way.
But first let me explain how zombies can totally happen and how it’s already begun.
Zombies have been secretly working their way into our world and we have ignored their infiltration. Their methods haven’t exactly been stealthy. They have left signs here and there.
First Theory: Parasites. Zombies are the undead, who must feed on brains in order to survive. There is a brain parasite called toxoplasmosa gondii. It mostly affects cats and rats but has been known to affect humans as well. Lest we forget that the Black Plague was spread by rats, Millions Died.
Second theory: Neurotoxins. Completely real and already used among us. The Military uses them in wartime and it’s only a matter of time before these toxic fumes find their way to us in the form of some terrorist attack or accident. Still not convinced? Look up the story of Clairvius Narcisse, a Haitian man who met his death by poison, who was buried May 2, 1962 and served as a zombie slave until his master’s death in the 1980s.
The Military is already preparing for such an event.
Third Theory: Genetic Manipulation and Stem- Cells. Along with neurotoxins and brain parasites, man’s desire to overcome death will lead towards our demise. We can transplant organs such as hearts, livers and lungs but have yet to figure out how to transplant a brain. However, stem-cell research is getting closer and closer to being able to re-grow these special cells. Scientific research is not an exact science and in trying to re-animate dead brain cells we may end up with a Zombie brain and not a healthy brain.
But back to John Cusack. Dreamy isn’t he.
One of his earlier films is called Better off Dead. The whole movie John’s character tries to kill himself after a romance gone awry. This is one of the first signs that when the end of the world comes Twinkies, cockroaches and John Cusack would survive.
In the film The Grifters starting Angelica Houston and Annette Bening, Cusack once again survives being stabbed in the neck with broken glass. In Bullets over Broadway he fends off mobsters, but it’s not until Grosse Point Blank that I began to see that Cusack was the Go-to- Guy for any girl looking to live through disaster. He played a hit man with MacGyver-like skills and pretty good aim. His next film was Con-Air where he again learned to shoot guns and work with ammo. Besides, let’s face it, you have to be pretty indestructible to work on a shit movie like Con- Air with Nicholas Cage and still find your career intact. Just ask Carla Guginio and Gary Sinese who worked with Cage in Snake Eyes. What have they done lately?
Cusack came close to death in the 2003 film Identity where he sacrifices himself heroically to save damsel-in-distress Amanda Peet from the serial killer only for us the audience to find out that Cusack was the killer all along. Furthermore, the events portrayed on film where the delusions of Cusack’s character while in prison.
The Real proof is in the film 2012. Having zero discernible survival skills of any kind, Cusack not only uncovers a secret government plot to save a certain sector of humanity when the end of the world comes, he’s able to travel from LA to China, and outlive a doctor/pilot to make it onto one of those life saving ships.
Maybe Cusack has no survival skills and he just may be really, really lucky. In the end what is survival but a bit of skill and a whole lot of fucking luck.
Dad, Bea F. and all other Steelers fans, my apologies in advance, the joke was too good to pass up.
Photos: Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic, 2.0 Generic and 1.0 Generic license.
Caveats
pabloiv — Wed, 07/28/2010 - 09:261. To be fair, the main antagonist in GPB was Dan Akroyd. (Great movie too)
2. Carla Gugino has done Sin City, Watchmen, and had a regular stint on Entourage.
3. I'm frankly surprised I wasn't the first one to write a Zombie apocalypse post. One of the reasons I picked my apt was for its defensibility against zombies (not really, but yeah, really).
Akroyd may be the villain but
Chele — Wed, 07/28/2010 - 13:03Akroyd may be the villain but Cusack was still its lead.
I see it as a movie that makes you want to be hit man cause he makes it seem so balls to the wall fun.
J'adore Carla Gugino but sadly that Brian DePalma film was not the breakthrough any fan wanted. I feel like Courtney Cox and Angelina Jolie stole her thunder. Jolie may be hot but there is something about Carla