Why do Men cheat?
Krewe de Becks — Wed, 04/21/2010 - 07:19
Cheating has always been a point of contention between lovers*. Either the actual act or suspicion of such action can have harmful effects in a relationship and hurt any trust that existed
Recently I've had the opportunity to discuss the subject with various guys and, because it has become such an interesting debate, I've decided to open up the discussion to the rest of our audience. In my experience as a therapist, as a friend, and as an observer and a girlfriend, I can say that once we find out that we've been cheated on, we embark on an emotional roller coaster and respond in our own unique ways. I’ve noticed that one thing we seem to have in common is that, at some point in the process, we try to figure out "Why did he cheat?” Whether we believe that male behavior is basic or very complex, answering this simple one-worded question seems to be as hard as cracking an ancient Mayan code.
When discussing the subject with my male friends and acquaintances, I’ve been given many arguments as an attempt to answer this question. Some of those answers sum up to the following reasons [in no particular order]:
1) Men are biologically prone to do so, in a Darwinian/survival-of-the-species/reproductive duty kind of thing. I was explained by a friend that biologically, men are programmed to "spread their seed". Biologically, the rate at which they produce semen is linked to the evolutionary need to populate through multiple women. Thus, the argument goes, "our body betrays our loyalty by making us feel urges that we are too weak to resist".
2) Men are culturally taught its relatively acceptable behavior. Many men and women have argued that infidelity is a product of our society. When a man has a mistress, it is either ignored, accepted, understood, or quietly frowned upon; as opposed to when a woman cheats, where she is ostracized from society, accused of abandoning her family and damaging her relationship(s). Furthermore, men do not receive the same moral outrage for their actions as women do.(Scarlett Letter anyone?) Additionally, men are trained to have many lovers and conquests. Thus, the switch to monogamy is not one which is easily switched.
3) Before men settle down with one woman (in marriage) they feel the need to seize every opportunity possible prior to the "lock down"- this has not only been an argument, but also a question. Some men who express their plans of settling down with their significant others have often expressed the sudden craving to chase after other women before they tie the knot. This is sometimes acted upon when the opportunity arises and the man believes he can get away with it, after the justification of his behavior.
4) The man is not emotionally connected to the woman/ not in love. Some of the guys that have confidentially explained to me why they cheated often express their lack of emotional connection to the woman. "I was simply not in love with her" has not been used as an excuse Per Se, but simply as an honest answer to the question. This brings a twist to the thought that "women are emotional cheaters [at first], and men are physical cheaters". This justification brings a twist to argument #1, adding the emotional factor to the equation, and quashing the thought that it’s purely instinctive.
5) They are compulsive cheaters/have a sex addiction. Tiger Woods and Jesse James come to mind when I hear this. Is it clinically possible? Yes, within a certain behavioral frame. Does it sound like a questionable reason? Absolutely
6) Because they can. The first time I heard this I was outraged. "If you can get away with it, why not?” is not exactly the kind of response women out there wanted to get, but I did hear the argument often. This reason epitomizes the problem many women have understanding this issue. They seek reasons that make sense to them or that satisfy their angst. The problem is, sometimes the reason is as simple as "why not?”
7) Because he was drunk/high. Controlled substances do have a paramount effect on a person’s behavior and cognitive process, specially drugs. With alcohol, a more common story heard, the equation changes. You see, a person with an internal desire to do something may control that desire when sober. When alcohol is consumed, the person’s inhibitions decrease and, given the opportunity, the person will not be too shy to get to his or her desire. In other words, if you have been thinking about it, then the more you drink the more likely you are to do it. Thoughts about consequences go out the window. Guys tend to use this excuse a lot, as I’ve been explained, yet I fail to see it as a reason.
So, after much debate I am still wondering if there is an answer to "Why do men cheat?" and also, if there is such an answer, is it really an answer or just an excuse?
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How fascinating
El Pitirre (not verified) — Thu, 07/15/2010 - 14:09is this an experiment?
You must be like one of those freakishly brilliant but evil advertising executives who know exactly how to push people's buttons to get a reaction or something because after reading your other articles, the tone and content of this one seems intentionally different.
To you miss, I raise my glass and tip my hat. Cheers~
The Ugly Truth
The Truth (not verified) — Thu, 06/10/2010 - 21:30I have never met a man who has cheated on a woman who is sexually insatiable.
If a man knows that he has to have sex with his woman, rain, shine, sleet or storm, and that no matter what happens, he will have to please his woman when he gets home; I guarantee you he will not cheat!
The Truth has spoken!
No.
Nerdote (not verified) — Mon, 06/21/2010 - 10:15No.
Please, Nerdote, don't
Slim Jim (not verified) — Mon, 06/21/2010 - 14:14Please, Nerdote, don't elaborate so much. you're going to kill us here reading this whole statement of yours.
As for "The Truth"- i kind of disagree. Men, when they have to deal with a woman that is insatiable begin to feel pressure and could even suffer from ..."stage fright". When faced with the stress of having to constantly please your woman, the man can also just give up and go on to another relationship that's less demanding.
so you agree with The Truth
rantes — Mon, 06/21/2010 - 21:20So in a way you agree with The Truth, because you are saying the guy would leave the relationship and start another, but he probably wouldn't cheat! Because he would have broken up...
agree!!!
rantes — Thu, 06/10/2010 - 23:02Couldn't agree more!
There is no need to look outside of your "nest" if you are too tired to engage in other sexual endeavors...
agree!!!
rantes — Thu, 06/10/2010 - 23:01Couldn't agree more!
There is no need to look outside of your "nest" if you are too tired to engage in other sexual endeavors...
Ooh I Wanna Try!!..
Captain Clorox — Tue, 06/08/2010 - 16:46Oh wow. A little one sided, anyone?? Anyone?? Bueller??
Not that I'm defending anyone in particular, but it's 50/50. He cheats cuz you suck ass now. No le prestas la misma atencion que le prestates cuando the whole thing started and it was exciting y todo. You got too comfy, you let the adventure die. Now, you most of the time have a "headache", and you legs ache and your hair hurts, or your shirt hurts, or you're "too tired", or some other bullshit excuse to not mess around at night- and this is even before kids! You're starting to nag like his mother, and for fucks sake let me get this on record: Nobody. NOBODY. Fucking. Cares. About which towel is "for use", and which one is for "decoration only"! If it's made of CLOTH, and it looks like a towel, and feels like a towel, and is a towel- IT'S TO FUCKING DRY YOURSELF WITH!!! OKAY??? No hay "different types of towels"- a towel, is a towel! Punto! Start bitching about towels, and you can bet the house, que ESE va a ser el nail in the coffin en tu "relationship".
Plus, you don't bother to get a God damn car, so he now has to go out of his way all the time EVERY day to pick your ass up after work. Tapon pa aqui, tapon pa aya, pa entonces ir de la ruta y coger OTRO tapon de este sitio y del otro sitioBitch, buy a car! I know "~ Oh that's love ~" pero when you make him feel obligado day after day, time after time to pick you up, y todavia ni estan casados!! Que, que su guagua dice "AMA" por al lado?? At first: cool. Later into the relationship: Allright now. But ya when you're used to each other... it's a hassle!! Get a car. Get a bike. Get a skateboard. Get a pogo stick. Get fucking SOMETHING, para que por lo menos lo consideres a el tambien every now and then- please! You're turning in to a "hassle". Un "brete". Y cuando la novia se empiesa a convertir en un hassle bajo los ojos del novio..... you can bet your left arm, he will look elsewhere. That's fact. A relationship is not a daily tribute to the woman. It is a daily tribute to both of you.
Also: STOP FUCKING TEXTING AND CALLING SO MUCH!! "¿Cucu, que tu haces?" "¿Cucu que piensas?" "Cucu, te quiero muucho!! ¿Tu me quieres a mi?" "¿Y cuanto me quieeres?" "Cucu, si yo me muero, que tu harias??""Cucu, tu me puedes recoger?""¿Hello?""Porque no contestas?"MIRA, PORQUE NO CONTESTAS??? CONTESTAMEEE!!!!! CON QUIEN TU ESTAS CABRON?? QUIEN ES ESA PUTA?????????? AHH?????""TE JURO QUE TE VOY A MATAAR PENDEJO DE MIERDA SUCIO PUERCO!!"
..... pa' que entonces cuando él vuelva de almorzar con SU HERMANA, para chequear su telefono que se le quedo en el carro, tiene 35 mensajes tuyos (en donde en 30 de ellos estas llorando), y diez mensajes mas de las "panitas" tuyas cabronas intrometidas, llamandolo a ver donde esta y porque te esta "picheandola y bregando tan hijo e' puta y con nebuleo..", ya que son tus "Amigas para Siempre" porque asi lo escribieron en esa foto tecatex de las cuatro de ustedes en facebook. Si estas con esas, eso le dice a el, que tu NO lo confias desde un principio, lo cual quiere decir que tu no lo respetas como el te respeta a ti, lo cual lo hace un a falta de respeto, lo cual lo va a encojonar, y entonces va a considerar meter mano, para que tu si veas lo que es emputarte de verdad!
Yo tambien he jangueado con este tipo de mujer: La que dice "Hay pues, mi novio futuro no va a tener que janguear con sus amigos y amigas, porque yo soy la unica "amiga" que el va a necesitar. Punto y se acabo!"
Really?? Go back and read the second half of last paragraph again. And then: Go fuck yourself!! El no es perro para que tu estes con un collar y leash alrededor de el cada vez que salga! Y by the way, si tu te crees que el NO sabe que te estas ligando a otros machos que te pasan por el lado en Plaza cuando estas con el, estas biiieeeeeennnn mal! We know you're checking the opposite sex out just like we are. And as much, y con mas detalle. Which is OK! It's just a look, after all. You go Girl! Enjoy. La razon que pueden disimular mas es porque las mujeres biologicamente, pueden ver mas out of the corner of their eyes, que los hombres. Por eso es que tu, cariño, no tienes que virar la cara cuando miras. Pero estas mirando. El, the poor bastard, has to, turn his head, by default though. That's all. He'd give the same turn of head si estuviera mirando los Audis nuevos en display al lado del el Radio Shack, FYI. Una cosa es mirar, otra es fisicamente tocar! Get used to this! Hasta ese "Principe en caballo blanco" de tus sueños con pelo largo de comercial de Pantene Pro-V que Oprah te sigue prometiendo que va a venir, hace la misma virada de cara cuando ve..... cuando ve..... una, una botella de Pantene pasarle por el lado! I guarantee you. Bet the house on it. Again. (Then, go see someone about your gambling problem. Seriously. The girls and I are worried.)
SO, ya no quieres hacer el amor como antes, ya no le hablas como antes, ya no te ENDILGAS como cuando empezaron, (tou-shé: he's a fat slob too, pero you chicks dig personality and charm waay more than "looks" like guys do.), ya le estas dando ordenes pa arriba y pa abajo, ya estan con la "fffffabulosssssa" idea de que se deben de mudar juntos y pintar el apartamento todo de "coloresss pastelesssss" despues de salir por ocho meses namas, ya haces un escandalo exagerado de el mas minimo issue estupido ya que estas mas que comoda para enseñarle todo the estrogen you're capable of having (como si estuvieras en "America's Got Talent"), ya JODES con cojones por las jodias toallas y las cortinas, y la cama ya la llenastes de por lo menos QUINIENTAS FUCKING ALMOHADAS FRU-FRU, que si el quiere dormir, se tiene que meter TRES por el culo para por lo menos poder caber en la jodia cama que ERA supuestamente de "ustedes dos". Ya no lo confias para ir solo ni para el inodoro por casualidad, porque si llega a escaparse lo vas a estar monitoreando por celular como si tu fueses el FBI y el fuese de apellido "Bin-Laden", le das curfew de las 11pm pa hasta cuando puede estar con sus panas de toda la vida en un jangueo sencillo y catolico en una barra. Lo tienes ya de chofer tuyo eterno "i-li-mi-ta-do!", de maletero, de moso, de marioneta, de mula, de "Tamagotchi", de banco personal, de perro con leash y collar con GPS injectado en los huevos, de cambia-cambia, de mensajero, de muñeco Barbie personal que lo vistes y peinas a tu manera como tu quieras, de cotorra que entrenastes a repetir todo lo que tu dices, de "answering machine", y ya mismo de cara de animal estofiado en la pared con los testiculos estofiados encima de la butaca al lado de tu pintura de Antonio Martorelli, porque "A caray, la complementa tan bien!" Y de otras "maravillas" que solo Dios sabra que tu te pones a hacer ya que no tienes que tratar mas, porque ya lo tienes- You "bagged" him! Ya puedes dejarte de afeitar, dejarte de peinar, dejarte de arreglarte, dejar del gym, y preparar el cubo de salmon pa cuando aprenda su proximo truco! Pa' que entonces, tengan los cojones, hasta mas grandes que en la foto, de quedarses "en shock", y encojonarses, cuando el se vaya a ir a otra, que no joda tanto, y que le de, lo que a ti, te dio la gana de dejar de darle!! Y siguen las cojonadas cada vez que se dice, que cuando una mujer se queja de los hombres, es una "Feminista" y esta "defendiendo su gender", pero cuando un hombre habla de mujeres, es "Sexista", y es un Hijo 'e Puta!! No "excuses" here. These are just answers.
Seriously, it's 50/50. Half his fault. Half yours. But I still love ya' baby!
You're the cookies in my oven,
-CC
(PS: I cracked the acient Mayan code last week. Piece of cake. Seriously. Thats what it says: "Piece of Cake." Over and over again. For miles. Long, long, horrible miles....)
RE: Oh I want to try!!!
Anonymous (not verified) — Fri, 08/06/2010 - 23:26Realmente esto no parece 50/50. Tu enunciado le esta poniendo toda la responsabilidad a la mujer y eso no esta bien. Estoy deacuerdo que las relaciones son 50/50 y ambas personas tienen que trabajar para mantener el amor y emocion.
Por experiencia te puedo decir que los hombres son infieles por varias razones, no necesariamente porque ella se dejo de maquillar. En ocasiones los hombres son infieles porque no estan listos para estar en la relacion ya sea porque no son maduros o porque no se han recuperado de la relacion pasada. Ese mismo hombre se puede quedar en la relacion porque esta comodo y luego enamorarse de su pareja. Cuando esto pasa el no sabe que hacer porque le fue infiel a la mujer que ahora ama (pero que no amaba cuando le fue infiel-osea al principio de la relacion). Esto le causa estress emocional y mucha culpa. Luego que confieza su comportamiento anos mas tarde no sabe que hacer con la culpa y el dano que su infidelidad le ha causado a la relacion.
Los seres humanos somos complejos y no creo que sea una pregunta con una sola contestacion. Why do men cheat? Es una pregunta con mil respuestas.
Esto si es un desahogo...
Anonymous (not verified) — Tue, 06/29/2010 - 17:23The first 50 seconds are for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peNbajUXmt0
Check this out
Gabriel Mulero — Thu, 05/20/2010 - 09:55Check this out:
Intelligent people have 'unnatural' preferences and values that are novel in human evolution
or copy paste this link in your browser's address bar:
http://www.rdmag.com/News/Feeds/2010/02/life-sciences-intelligent-people...
Relationships are
Charlie Brown (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 10:15Relationships are complicated, and when you don't have some decent communication skills with your partner once things get tough one is more likely to stray. If you notice Krewe's article on why women cheat she talks more about all the emotional neglect stuff, and I think the same can happen with men.
Couples who don't talk to eachother or lose interest in their partner's life have a higher chance to look for that emotional connection with someone else.
We have the bad rep of being players, etc. but that's not the case for everyone.
Bottom line: TALK.
WHY TALK? MEN CHEAT BECAUSE
ANONYMOUS (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 10:30WHY TALK? MEN CHEAT BECAUSE THEY DONT THINK THEYRE GONNA GET CAUGHT.
pregunta curiosa
ArTom (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 09:31Me pregunto si tu pareja es infiel con alguien del mismo sexo, seria igual de doloroso y tendria el mismo efecto que si lo hace con alguien del sexo opuesto?
a alguien le ha pasado? como seria el cargo psicológico para la persona engañada? seria mas frustrante, igual o menos?
Just trying to understand human nature.
me refiero a...
ArTom (not verified) — Thu, 05/20/2010 - 12:42bueno, todo esto surge bajo la premisa de ser infiel físicamente, no emocionalmente. Mi pregunta viene despues de ver la biografia de peliícula de Kinsey donde el tiene por un momento una relación sexual con un colega (no creo que eso lo hizo homosexual, ni hizo que dejara de amar a su mujer), sino una experimentacion fisiológica como basa sus estudios, para luego su mujer tener una relacion con esa misma persona, y lo mas curioso es la actitud de ambos ante la infidelidad de ellos.
No se si me exprese correctamente, pero de ahi viene la pregunta.
A bueno, pues en ese caso es
Michael Jackson (not verified) — Thu, 05/20/2010 - 14:48A bueno, pues en ese caso es diferente por que la dinamica de la pareja es tal que esto no se podria considerar "infidelidad" ni engano. De hecho, seria extrano que un cientifico que investigue un tema donde no existan estudios previos para referencia, no le de con experimentar. Muchos cientificos se someten a si mismos a sus propios experimentos, for sciences sake. Kinsey tenia el chance de experimentar algo que le ayudaria a entender fisiologicamente un tema que quizas era tabu . Asi que porque no? No le hacia dano a nadie con su encuentro breve, ya que partia de una premisa cientifica y objetiva. No hay nada malo en eso.
Tambien existen situaciones donde la pareja debe decidir de ante mano como mantener una unidad feliz y duradera. A veces esto incluye permitir que la pareja tenga encuentros fisicos discretos con personas ajenas a la relacion.
A mi personalmente no me molestaria, si me caso con un alguna celebridad que pasa tiempo extendido separado de mi, que este se vea con una que otra escort de vez en cuando, siempre y tanto se sigan las reglas de que siempre use condon, sea una puta bonita y que se vea classy, que no se deje arrestar y que no gaste mas de 1000 dolares (si fuera millonario) y por supuesto que no le moleste si yo hago lo mismo, excepto que las mujeres nunca tienen que soltar dinero para conseguir encuentros ilicitos. Me molestaria mas que ese "affair" fuera con una mujer regular porque con las escort es puro "business" La tipa no se va a tratar de meterse en nuestra vida familiar ni se va a poner a regar confidencias de sus clientes ya que eso les afectaria el business, como le paso a Ashley Dupre cuando revelaron su identidad en los medios. No creo que pensaria igual si el encuentro con escorts fuesen de naturaleza homosexual, ya que hay una diferencia entre experimentar cientificamente o por la necesidad de contacto fisico que tienen los humanos y otra es que el tipo necesite conseguir sus kicks con otro hombre. Eso me indicaria que es bisexual o quiere mantener apariencias de ser straight, y eso si que seria un gran problema, porque obviamente al hombre enclosetado se le hace demasiado facil tener encuentros sexuales con otros, porque la fisionomia de sus miembros les permite ser discretos en lugares publicos como los banos y usualmente no necesitan tanto estimulo. Por el contrario, la anatomia reproductiva femenina, no facilitan discrecion y rapidez de encuentros ilicitos en circumstancias similares, y es por eso que nunca se ve redadas en los banos publicos de mujeres, a pesar de que estos espacios tambien estan sujetos a operaciones policiacas encubiertas.
En cuanto a infidelidad emocional, pues ahi es que la cosa se pone fea. El amor es amor es amor. Tu estas enamorado de tu pareja, le respetas, necesitas y has logrado un bond intimo permanente, pues no hay ajenos que rompan ese bond. La infidelidad emocional es el peor betrayal de todos sea con quien sea y no se limita a la dinamica de pareja sino tambien a la dinamica de amistades,de familia y de co-workers. Me atrevo a decir que hasta se podria considerar traicion emocional empezar un habito con cocaina o heroina, a las cuales se les antropomorfiza por usuarios adictos (She don't lie she don't lie, cocaine- Eric Clapton) Hasta con un perro te puede traicionar alguien emocionalmente segun demuestran shows como "It's Me or the Dog" et all.
En mi opinion la infidelidad emocional, del tipo que comete la gente casada que se pone a tener "affairs" en el internet y donde una esposa le cuente a un extrano invisible confidencias intimas de problemas familiares es un sintoma de que el bond de pareja esta roto irreparablemente. Si mi pareja no sabe poner boundaries y no regula quien entra en su espacio intimo emocional, eso seria una traicion monumental sea con quien sea hubiese contacto fisico o no.
Creo que se debe hacer la
anon (not verified) — Thu, 05/20/2010 - 13:25Creo que se debe hacer la aclaracion de la diferencia entre infidelidad emocional y fisica. Hay una gran diferencia- por ejemplo:
¿Podrias perdonar una infidelidad fisica? vs.
¿Podrias perdonar una infidelidad emocional?
Esa contestacion es clara: la
luis (not verified) — Thu, 05/20/2010 - 13:29Esa contestacion es clara: la fisica es mas perdonable!
una infidelidad emocional indica que tu pareja ya no esta conectada contigo, asi que por que seguir con el/ella?
y pregunta que te hago: una
patri (not verified) — Fri, 05/21/2010 - 11:31y pregunta que te hago: una infidelidad fisica es menos mala que una emocional?! tu perdonarias a tu pareja porque "hey, fue solo sexo pero no lo/la ama"??? Si la infidelidad fue emocional es mas facil que se recuperen si reestablecen su intimidad de pareja, porque ahi la pareja recibe lo que le estaba haciendo falta. Pero una infidelidad fisica es muy dificil porque se cruza una linea mas marcada.
y si es vice-versa?
ArTom (not verified) — Sat, 05/22/2010 - 09:36y si es de la otra forma? que la pareja emocionalmente estan muy bien pero sexualmente a uno de ellos le falta algo, no seria lo mismo? estaba buscando lo que le hacía falta... estás llenando un vacio físico y no emocional.
Es acaso la carne mas débil o mas fuerte que las emociones?
Si te refieres a ser parte de
Michael Jackson (not verified) — Thu, 05/20/2010 - 12:15Si te refieres a ser parte de una pareja heterosexual y descubrir que tu pareja te es infiel con una relacion homosexual... eeeh creo que seria tan o mas devastador, pero de otra manera. Por ejemplo, en una pareja straight, cuando una mujer es enganada por su esposo/prometido/novio (de jevos para abajo no cuenta) con otra mujer es devastador para el ego, es insultante y es doloroso por naturaleza. Obviamente causa una rabia increible que hasta se puede ir fuera de control. El celo sexual entre heterosexuales es un impulso biologico. Ahora si a una mujer (o viceversa) se le engana con una relacion gay (mano a mano) pues el devastamiento coje otros matices mas traumatizantes. Primero, es el sentimiento y la verguenza de ser tan ingenua de no darse cuenta de que su hombre era gay (a mi me sorprende la cantidad de mujeres aqui que no se dan cuenta de las senales OBVIAS de que su pareja esta en el closet.) En adicion, el darse cuenta de que estaban compartiendo con un extrano desde el principio. Me imagino que es como descubrir que tu esposo tiene otra familia y vida en otro estado, o que es un serial killer o algo asi. Encima el sentimiento de que le usaron para taparse. Despues la pregunta de las enfermedades (lo siento pero como miembro permanente de la sociedad de faghags, hablo por experiencia y observacion) de cuantos fueron etc. Ni hablar de que el descubrimiento fuese publico, como es el caso de los politicos "felizmente" casados que arrestan por estar solicitando sexo en los banos publicos y en parques etc. Mira, creo que es comparar una migrana con un dolor de espalda. Las dos situaciones deben doler horriblemente pero la sensacion es diferente.
Es HORRIBLE cuando pasa eso,
Lola (not verified) — Thu, 05/20/2010 - 10:15Es HORRIBLE cuando pasa eso, y honestamente es muy vergonzoso. Yo tuve que explicarle eso a mi FAMILIA luego de anunciarles que habia roto mi compromiso con mi ex, y cuando ellos preguntaron PQ? Les tube que decir ESO.
No se lo deseo a NADIE.
other opinions
ArTom (not verified) — Wed, 05/19/2010 - 10:05No Mens' opinion about this?
Did anyone know Alfred Kinsey
I saw a movie from the bio of this guy and it got me to think a lot about human behavior towards sex.
Kinsey;s studies of human
Chele — Wed, 05/19/2010 - 10:11Kinsey;s studies of human sexual dynamics are very interesting if not a dry read as they focused more on the biology and mechanics rather than a psychological standpoint. Human sexual desires are much more complex than an need to reproduce or stimulation, as evidenced by the points the author of this post makes in both her articles. People cheat for a myriad of reasons be they an expression of carnal desires or using sex as a conduit for emotional intimacy. I know of cases of people who become more sexually active in times of grief because the loss of a person close to them (through death or abandonment) because the physical intimacy affords them with the emotional intimacy they feel is lacking. Sex is more than just a physical reaction, as much as we deny it, some human emotions seeps into the event as part of the way our brains are wired.
TW
rantes — Wed, 06/02/2010 - 21:42Tiger started cheating after his father's death...
and Fred Flintstone cheated
Miami-Dade (not verified) — Mon, 06/07/2010 - 13:12and Fred Flintstone cheated after Dino ran away... that's not an excuse. Hundreds of times have I heard this same debate, and one thing I can tell is that when a man has a good relationship with his lover, the world can fall apart and they'll remain solid as a rock because your lover is also your best friend. When you see these kinds of infidelities you can tell miles away that they are not close. So, ladies, instead of being overbearing and smothering your partner in an attempt to not let him cheat, focus on growing closer together instead. I can promise you it will have better results.
I don;t think that just cuz a
Liza (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 10:09I don;t think that just cuz a guy gets laid with another man that the girl is just going to bounce back and that guy will become her gay best friend or whatevz.
Cheating is cheating, period!
Scarlatta (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 10:08Cheating is cheating, period! Its a betrayal and no matter if it was with another woman or a man it still hurts the same, and possibly even more depending on the cheated on person's beliefs.
Re: Pregunta Curiosa
Brisa Verde (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 09:57Te puedo decir que por experiencia propia (y no hablo por los demas!) que es un poco MENOS doloroso cuando es alguien del mismo sexo ya que una no se puede comparar con esa persona.
Cuando un hombre te es infiel con otra mujer una se compara con ella a ver "what does SHE have that I don't?" etc y una queda mas sentida porque es un golpe a nuestro autoestima y orgullo. Sin embargo, cuando es con otro hombre una ya entiende que no hay nada que pudo haber hecho ya que es una preferencia diferente y una puede llegar a hasta entender el proceso por la cual el hombre esta pasando.
Die gleichen Affekte sind
Chele — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 11:41Die gleichen Affekte sind bei Mann und Weib doch im Tempo verschieden: deshalb hören Mann und Weib nicht auf, sich misszuverstehn.
instead of getting all
tom (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 10:22instead of getting all existential on explaining the difference between male and female behavior, you shoul dfocus on exploring the existential components of monogamy.
At this day and age, is it still plausible deal or a fairie tale we tell eachother to sugar coat what it really is? (A legal contract that negotiates the lives of two people and their offsping)
I agree with Tom, what should
Marie (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 12:30I agree with Tom, what should be debated is the concept of monogamy because it seems to be obsolete, maybe a bit out dated for our times. Then again, The concept of an having and affair is also an interesting point to debate. Things have changed
On Monogamy
tom (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 12:43Well Marie, here's a starter on "Monogamy":
(taken from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamy)
Monogamy is the state of having only one sexual partner at any one time. The word monogamy comes from the Greek word monos "μονός", which means one or alone, and the Greek word gamos "γάμος", which means marriage or union. In many cases, the word "monogamy" is used to specifically refer to marital monogamy.[1]
Social monogamy refers to two persons/creatures who live together, have sex with each other, and cooperate in acquiring basic resources such as food, clothes, and money.
Sexual monogamy refers to two persons/creatures who remain sexually exclusive with each other and have no outside sex partners.
Genetic monogamy refers to two partners that only have offspring with each other.
Marital monogamy refers to marriages of only two people.
Touché... Also: Danke
Krewe de Becks — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 11:49Touché...
Also: Danke for my morning Nietzsche, you know how much I like Jenseits von Gut und Böse :-)
that goes for both men and
tom (not verified) — Mon, 05/10/2010 - 19:50that goes for both men and women, so dont think of it as a gender specific behavior. If you read the article, the writer gave 7 common reasons, meaning there are a hundred more she prolly left out.
Its a case by case issue, dont focus on why as much as you should focus on having a healthy relationship.
Ditto Tom! We can all play
W. Rice (not verified) — Mon, 05/10/2010 - 20:02Ditto Tom! We can all play the blame game and not focus on some more important things like communication and keeping your relationship healthy.
I think their cheating is an
Nora (not verified) — Mon, 05/10/2010 - 19:38I think their cheating is an ego-driven action. Cheating boosts their self esteem., make them feel more manly and wanted.
Oh Taco, when you find out
J. Baker (not verified) — Wed, 04/28/2010 - 11:50Oh Taco, when you find out exactly why men cheat please let me know so I avoid cheaters in my next relationship.
Kudos
Arturo (not verified) — Wed, 04/28/2010 - 11:46Well, Miss Becks, good article!
(and congrats on actually getting me to read it, too)
I like how you've tried to stay neutral with it, and I must say, those are all plausible reasons, and one can't really say there's just one.
I'm not a big fan of the battle of the sexes, and I know this can happen to both male or female lovers, so I can't wait to read your part 2.
I trust you'll do a good job as well. Kudos.
Las fronteras de la Infidelidad
Chele — Tue, 04/27/2010 - 14:22Articulo del Nuevo dia de Abril 27...
http://www.elnuevodia.com/lasfronterasdelainfidelidad-693442.html
Teaser---
Por Camile Roldán Soto / end.croldan@elnuevodia.com
Supongamos que llevas años de feliz unión amorosa cuando de repente aquel ex novio de la universidad aparece a través de Facebook. Te lanza el consabido ‘friend request’. Tú, aceptas, claro. ¿Porqué no? Entre mensaje y mensaje se desempolva la amistad.
Quizás no hay un encuentro físico, pero el contacto es diario y lo esperas. Quizás se desarrolla un flirteo que te provoca y te hace sentir diferente ¿Eres infiel?
La respuesta puede variar de persona a persona, pues la definición de infidelidad es muy individual. "Para alguna gente ser infiel es tener coito. Para otras personas, quizás más rígidas, es simplemente pensar en alguien más", establece la psicóloga clínica Ada Mildred Alemán Batista. "Al hablar de infidelidad lo primero que hay que ver es dónde está cada cual. Lo que se permite a sí mismo y le permite a la pareja", señala la catedrática asociada de la Escuela de Profesiones de la Salud en el Recinto de Ciencias Médicas.
Varios profesionales consultados coinciden en que una forma de trazar la frontera de la infidelidad cuando no hay una relación sexual es preguntarte: ¿cómo reaccionaría si mi pareja se enterara de esto?, ¿cómo me sentiría si ella o el hiciera lo mismo?. Además, cada uno en la relación debe compartir y tener clara su interpretación respecto al tema.
hmmm!?!?
M4yt3 — Sat, 04/24/2010 - 11:34sorry por romper el corrillo pero me expresaré en español.
Tengo que añadir por experiencia profesional (Consejera de Pareja) y como humana mutante que soy que hoy por hoy el so call "cheating"' es una conducta que no le perternenece a un género en particular es una conducta adoptada por ambos mujeres y hombre, creo que estamos a la par en este tema.. Lei los muy bien puntos expuestos a la autora y como mujer me puedo indentificar con 6 de los 7 expuesto( menos el #2 ,obvio pq no se cria a la mujer igual que el hombre) pero todos los demás puntos nos aplican a las mujeres inclusive el # se nos puede aplicar.
No hay respuestas genéricas, cada ser humano actua en debido momento a diferentes situaciones y en el contexto que se den. I wonder who has not cheat at some point in a relationship? Come one!! Women and men all cheat! The only diference I have seen is that Women are more sneaky! La mujer es chismosa cuando quiere y una tumba cuando le conviene LOL rimó y Tó! pero es la realidad, la mayoria de los hombre no se pueden quedar callaos... " acho pana me tire esta jeva que me tenía loco, total el mundo se acaba ya mismo y hay q joder coño, no se puede ser pendú" "hay q cambiarle el agua al canario de vez en cuando, tu sabes mijo la misma avena to los días aborrece"
Claro está hay muchos hombres tambien que saben las implicaciones de sus actos y callan sus acciones. Ahi si hay una nota importante que tiene que ver con el punto #2 como la pegaera de cuernos es mas aceptable en la sociedad si es por parte del hombre,éstos no sienten verguenza en contarlo, por eso depues los cojen.. vs las mujeres que se callan la aventura pq sabe que les van a caer como chinchas!
Así q respuestas ufff miles... aunque las mas significativas están expuestas en el artículo pero estas en mi opinión aplican a ambos géneros no solo a los hombres.
Y excusas pues hmm si son excusas pq si el hombre quiere cambiar de avena, mojar el nugget en salsa BBQ pq se jarto de la Sweet and Sour o la mujer kiere tirarse al Eye Candy que ve to los dias en la oficina... pues puede facilmente decir a la pareja I need some time off cause Im not sure If im feeling you rigth know... but then again... we wont be humans!
My 2 chuck and cheese Tokens! -mk
Is cheating forgivable?
Jean — Fri, 04/23/2010 - 15:26I think KdB did a great job at putting forth opening arguments and reasons, but for the rest of the commentators here... I ask this.
Is cheating forgivable? Given all the possible reasons it could happen, when would you forgive?
depends
rantes — Mon, 04/26/2010 - 22:13Depends on the degree of emotional attachment... if it was purely physical... I'll forgive. If it was emotional, even if it was just through email or letters, unlikely to forgive.
@ Jean Vidal
M4yt3 — Sat, 04/24/2010 - 11:39Creo que todo es perdonable si está en la otra parte desear perdonar al 1ro si es q el 1ro acepta su conducta y genuinamente entiende que no se va a repetir.. 5 años atrás te hubiera comentado que Nunca! pero hay razones mayores de peso para Joder una relación de pareja que una mera infidelidad!
So sí pudiera perdonarla dependiendo de como se de esa situación osea el contexto en que se de esa conducta y si hay un arrepentimiento genuino del 1ro y si hay compromiso de ambos 2 go forward!
1. Dirtier sex. The other
Anonymous (not verified) — Fri, 04/23/2010 - 09:361. Dirtier sex. The other woman will do stuff the wife won't do.
2. Seeking emotional refuge. For whatever reasons, the man feeling displaced, unwelcome or just distant in his own household. Lacking a confidant in life, a warm companion somewhere else can become the needed private retreat.
Both are not excusable, but it does not mean that we should not study it or try rationalize it.
Loving the topic, I'll add my $0.02
pabloiv — Thu, 04/22/2010 - 13:00Women can be: Sane, Sexy, Smart. Pick 2
For the ladies of La Acera, be reassured that you're all quite insane.
For Men it's: Fit, Rich, Faithful.
I've cheated (not a lot, but at least 1 more than 0) and I've used every excuse up there. I feel like a douche about it even though the girl never found out. I'm willing to bet that there's not one guy on here who hasn't at minimum kissed someone else while being in a relationship with another.
Just for kicks, for companies it's: Fast, Reliable, and Cheap (My company tends to be Fast and Reliable)
Cheetah
Krewe U (not verified) — Wed, 04/21/2010 - 19:16Wow Krewe, congratulations on this post. You have summed it up AND gotten great response.
Now, I'm convinced that it's the biological reason because it's the one that makes most sense.
It IS true that everything in our bodies is designed the way it is for a reason and all of this came about through natural selection. The only reason why men produce so much baby batter is that those early men who evolved were the ones who had a higher spooge production rate and could impregnate more women per... minute?
There are even examples of this behavior still alive. Did you know that monkeys in polygamous societies like the bonobos produce copious amounts of salt malt? This is because their ancestors had a relativelly higher yield of salty sac sauce as compared to their juiceless contemporaries. Modern monkeys came about to being born because those who produced more monkey milk in the past had better chances of reproduction and since their babies inherited this characteristic, they are big spittle producers too.
Now, enough with the shmegma euphemisms. Does this justify cheating? It certainly does a better job at explaining it than the reast of the reasons. None of them answer the question of why:
2) Nurture follows the limits of nature and if it's a socially accepted behavior it's only because there's a biological logic behind it.
3) Yeah, but why do they feel this need?
4) This is not enough since it also explains why single men have sex with multiple women.
5) Yeah, but where does this addiction come from? That is, why does it even exist? And if it does exist, it would be a departure from the common cheatster since an addictioin is an extreme behavior only seen in a small percentage of black-asian professional golfers.
6) Oh yes, the why not argument. One of my favorites because it's so simple. But simple is not enough. There's always a better justification than this one and it's most often associated in some way with number 2 which leads us to 1.
7) Same as number 5. It happnes, but the behavior is infected by outside forces which we cannot control. Namely, piña coladas and ruffies.
Back to the justification issue. I mean, sue the cheater. We're all responsible for our actions and in the end it's not the fact that you had sex with someone else which matters or the urge that you coulnd't control. What answers this question is that it's not justified because a the couple presumably gave each other their word or signed a contract htat gave them exclusive rights to each others' genitalia.
And to finish my 2 cents off I must address some comments here that state that some men have the will power not to cheat. All I have to say is: riiiiiiiiiiiiiight... That's another way of saying I don't cheat because my wife's the only one who'd have me. But hey, some people don't have the same sex drive as Michael Douglas and I understand that.
But ladies, if your man is the type to have his salami frequently hidden, you better be spreadig those meat curtains on a bidaily basis cuz if you don't, it's your fault... for not choosing the right man. Having a very energetic sex drive is another one of those charachteristics in people that define a relationship. It's like everything else. If you don't like your man to be an douchy asshole, don't go out with The Situation and if you don't want to have sex daily, don't marry a man who does. It's very simple logic. You had it comming.
So, keep that in mind and hope you've enjoyed my intervention just as much as I enjoyed yours.
Oh and don't cheat on the one you love. It hurts both of you.
Are you putting all the
twittie bird (not verified) — Thu, 04/22/2010 - 11:56Are you putting all the responsibility of cheating men on women?!!! I'm sorry, but there are a LOT of guys who cheat who do not show a single sign of being potential cheaters and still do. What about them?
What about the guy who would never be the cheating kind but suddenly finds himself stuck in a weird situation?
You can't blame women for "choosing the wrong one" when men don't gome with a "Potential Cheater" blood test to find out!
and Yes, I agree with you on this: cheating will only hurt them BOTH.
all? not all...
krewe 2 (not verified) — Thu, 04/22/2010 - 13:28Where in my post do you see the word all? You must definately be sexy.
I didn't say it's always the woman's fault. I was referring to a particular situation, ie. that in which the woman marries a horny stud. When the stud cheats, it's the woman's fault for not attending to his needs in the relationship. You knew what you were getting into, you vowed to address your man's needs so if you didn't, don't be surprised that he's dipping his tostito in his secretary's dip.
Basically, don't expect a man to change just because he's married.
It's like any other contract. Would you go into contract with a company that's had 3 bankruptcies in the past 5 years? Hell no.
Women aren't to blame, but common sense helps
Faithful (at times) (not verified) — Thu, 04/22/2010 - 12:03I don't think all the burden should fall on the person getting cheated on, ie the woman, but ladies, sometimes the signs are there!
If you start out as the mistress and then he dumps his GF/Wife for you, what do you think he will do to you later? Of course he will cheat on you! Don't think you are so special as to steal him from his current relationship and then make him a good guy.
If he has a long ass rep for being a player, you think you will be the magical unicorn that makes him noble? Hell no. Chances are, he's gonna cheat again and you should have seen it coming.
Cheat on you once, mistakes happen. Cheats on you twice, you're an idiot. Dump him and get a new one.
Many times the guys aren't nearly as clever as they think, and many times you girls overlook it out of denial or ridiculous hope. Either way, the guy is guilty for cheating but often times, the girls are guilty for not noticing.