Why Do Women Cheat?
Krewe de Becks — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 07:31
Some people often remember certain movies and TV shows when they talk about women cheating, like Sex and the City, The Scarlet Letter, Indecent Proposal, Bridges of Madison County and more. All too often, the debates on infidelity focus on men cheating. Whereas this may be the more openly known and prevalent situation, it is not the only one. In reality, women are just as prone as men to commit infidelity, although the purpose of the infidelity may be different from the fellow cheaters in Part One.
In all fairness, I have decided to explore the phenomenon just like I did with “Why Do Men Cheat?” There have been several reasons explained to me for why women choose to engage in an affair/infidelity, presented here, in no particular order:
1) Settling of Scores
When a woman's trust has been broken, she will try to convey the same feeling of anger or heartbreak through her actions. Since emotions are sometimes hard to explain, they make their lover feel the same pain and betrayal she did. When a woman gets cheated on, she’ll feel like a charging bull with sharp horns…you being her red-painted target. Following this same logic/train of thought, what a better way to make the lover understand the pain she’s experienced than to punish her lover with a taste of their own medicine? Thus, by cheating, she evens the score.
2) Boudoir Boredom or Sporadic Sexual Activity
When relationships begin there is much excitement about physical contact and those encounters are often spontaneous, thrilling and even in random places. In other words, its fun, the woman feels desired, attractive and excited. As time goes by, the routine changes, and after the so-called “honeymoon phase” things start to settle down a bit. With this routine the priorities come back to normal, and making love is not as important as it was before because life gets in the way of that aspect of your relationship. Sex turns monotonous, thus the woman will seek that thrill and excitement elsewhere.
3) Major changes in her life
When a woman experiences a significant change in her life (e.g. a loss, new job, mid-life crisis, plastic surgery or significant weight loss) she could engage in this behavior as a response to it, and are more prone to do so if the communication with her lover is poor. When she finds herself lacking the necessary amount of intimacy for her to feel safe enough to talk about (and process) the changes in her life, she’ll seek some kind of intimate relationship with someone else.
4) Self-Esteem
Regardless of whether a woman has low or high self-esteem, a woman having an affair feels that she is attractive, desired and sexy- to someone at least, if it’s not her lover.
Usually, when the woman does not feel loved, valued and wanted by her lover, her self-esteem will take a hit. In order to have a booster she could potentially get involved in an affair, where not only will she feel the thrill of the new relationship, but also she’ll get what her lover is not providing.
5) Lack of Intimacy
This is one of the most common responses heard when it comes to adulterous women. Regardless of what the couple may have materialistically, when the relationship lacks intimacy and open communication, it is very easy for it to go astray. Just like most humans, women like to feel loved, safe and appreciated in their relationships. When that connection lacks (or is weak), she will begin to crave it more and could find it in the arms of another person willing to give her what she needs. It is often discussed that women are emotional cheaters before cheating physically, and when this is the case, the original relationship has been found to lack intimacy.
6) Neglect, Emotional Distance and Taking Her for Granted
When life gets in the way of your relationship, or the lover becomes selfish, or distances himself [or herself] from the woman, she will ultimately envision the relationship going down the toilet. She gives too much of herself and receives nothing (emotionally) or her lover shows lack of care or interest in her, then she’ll start backing out of the relationship.
She has emotional needs that are not fulfilled in her relationship, thus she’ll look elsewhere. Because things don’t change and she knows the end is inevitable, she begins to move on.
7) Exit Strategy
Instead of orchestrating the break up conversation, which may not lead to a break up, she cheats on her lover because (as many people see it) its the “ultimate relationship no-no” or the notorious “Point of no return”, and she knows that once she crosses that threshold there’s no turning back, so she does in order for her relationship to come to an end.
Does a woman's search for intimacy and love justify the cheating? Is it different if its while dating than while being married? Does a woman's needs answer the question?
Whether you can empathize with these reasons or think they are just excuses,they are a tad different from Men's... or are they?
pregunta
ArTom (not verified) — Tue, 05/18/2010 - 09:29Me pregunto si tu pareja es infiel con alguien del mismo sexo, seria igual de doloroso y tendria el mismo efecto que si lo hace con alguien del sexo opuesto?
Ja! No es por nada, pero si
Hobbes (not verified) — Fri, 05/21/2010 - 11:39Ja! No es por nada, pero si una mujer le es infiel a un hombre con otra mujer, dudo que se moleste mucho, sino que en vez puede que hasta se excite...
...los hombres tienen una imaginacion poderosa.
Don't wanna know
Anonymous (not verified) — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 11:06As long as I don't know that you cheat on me, I'm Happy. Just make sure I don't find out. Lie to me if you must. Cuz if I find out, then everyone looses.
have some dignity for G-d's sake!`
Anonymous (not verified) — Tue, 06/01/2010 - 15:55Living a lie is one thing.
Choosing to have your girl/boyfriend cheat while you walk around blindly is (a) lazy, (b) untruthful to yourself and worst of all (c) undignified.
Will you stay if they hit you as well? Just to keep things "nice"?
So ignorance is bliss then...
Krewe de Becks — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 11:52So ignorance is bliss then...
it is
Anonymous (not verified) — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 12:25Of course it is. Don't you see how ignorant is the people in this Island and yet we are labeled as one of the happiest places/people on earth? don't you see that the ignorant people live simpler and happier? are easier to manipulate and to cheat on (on all aspects). So I guess you are right saying that "ignorance is bliss" The more we know, the more we worry. and you should know more than me the effect that has on your mind when you know that your partner is cheating... I have seen it and have no desire to have that burden on my mind or my relationship. there are things that are better not been said, and that is one of them.
How is ignorance bliss?! You
Panky-Loo (not verified) — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 15:14How is ignorance bliss?! You MUST be joking...
Have you ever heard that Knowledge is POWER??? Sure, not knowing a single thing makes things easier, what you can't see doesn't hurt- but what kind of relationship do you expect to have then? the "perfect kind"? the kind that can be falling appart inside, but the denial is so strong that its like spring time!?
I have to strongly disagree with you here. Not knowing, the way you put it, is just plain LAZY.
When you enter a relationship you take a risk, and what you state here is taking the easy way around the bad stuff. Knowledge gives you more worries? REALLY? Its the other way around: knowledge quashes the worries, becasue it gives an answer to doubts and fears. If this is too much to handle, i suggest you come back in the next life as a dog. THAT should be easy enough.
choose not to.
Anonymous (not verified) — Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:32Well Panky-Loo, let me explain myself better. Knowledge is power and all that crap is great., and I tell you that I'm constantly seek for knowledge and truth. But in this specific matter of human basic needs and relationship I tell you that I choose not to know if my partner does it with others or not, as long as our friendship, our love, our trust and relationship doesn't get affected and it stays as just sex. We have something great and if he ever decides to have a flint, that will be his problem with himself and his own conscience. I refuse to occupy my busy mind with such thoughts because I'll start falling short on other aspects in my life. It has happened in the past and I simply don't want to live that again. By doing this I don't need the knowledge to take out my worries because I'll have no doubts and fears. BTW, fear is a feeling I constantly try to suppress/ignore. So I guess, in this case, ignorance is a bliss as well =]
Blissful ignorance
Jean — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 15:31Well it's her prerrogative after all (ignorance).
Fact is, some people may, in their right, assume that they will, in fact, be cheated on. So they say "do it, but don't get caught".
I'm not saying I agree with her, but to a point, I want to say I can't blame her given the crappy situation many couples may be in.
Ignorance vs. Knowledge
Anon. (not verified) — Thu, 05/13/2010 - 12:13Each person has the choice to handle certain situations their own way. Some people don't want to know, others want to know every single detail.
Either way, the thing is that a betrayal does leave some nasty scars. Ignorance may be bliss, but one can always be suspicious deep inside, and , knowledge is power, but power does come with certain responsibilities...When you know, the issue becomes yours (no longer the cheater's) and the power to choose is all yours. THAT'S a lot to digest.
Not knowing that your partner is being unfaithful though, sounds like a recipe for a bigger, more painful betrayal.
one of the best films about infidelity
Chele — Thu, 05/13/2010 - 12:17Sometimes having the person who cheated on you tell you what they did is part of the punishment.
Clive Owen in superb performance humiliates Julia Roberts by having her confess to her sins. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgiztemSaQk
Either way, knowing or not knowing depends on the person and what they decide should be respected.
Don't wanna know
Anonymous (not verified) — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 11:06As long as I don't know that you cheat on me, I'm Happy. Just make sure I don't find out. Lie to me if you must. Cuz if I find out, then everyone looses.
Everyone loses when there's
Katie (not verified) — Wed, 05/12/2010 - 15:30Everyone loses when there's cheating, whether you know about it or not. The truth always comes out at some point, so really... what's the point of not dealing with the bad and pushing it for later when it can hurt even more?
This is very simple: there's
ATL (not verified) — Tue, 05/11/2010 - 10:34This is very simple: there's just no respect.
You see, I can understand the whole biological mambo-jambo, but, unlike animals who do have reproductive needs and instincts, we can think rationally. so the whole argument that "it wasn't me, Mother nature made me do it" is horse sh-t.
If a guy can think enough to pick a specific girl to date out of the many options available, he can choose to be loyal to that girl. Not doing so is not out of his control, but disrespectful to the other person who is in fact loyal to the man, and who has invested time and effort in the relationship.
Lay the rules...
Ivy (not verified) — Sat, 05/08/2010 - 12:33I had prepared an elaborate comment to your excellent essay and when I pressed the button, my computer acted up and disconnected, so here is the punch line: before you lay the guy, lay the rules and there will be no cheating.
In a complicated world as ours, it is amazing how couples make pacts for everything: from the color of the car/house, to the religion of the children, their schooling, travel, where to live, etc. and they keep silent on how to act or what to expect, or what value they put on sex and fidelity. It is as if social convention that comes from a very confused and complex world could "ad lib" their particular preferences and expectations on said subject and the couple should live, act and feel based on such social unwritten rules.
By meekly following social convention, we are thus accepting what others, for whatever reasons, have dedided for us. Personally, I want to make my own choices. Therefore, instead of asking "why people cheat" which translates in "what excuses -good and bad- do people have for being dishonest, rather look inside yourself and lay out some essential and basic rules. If you do not want to cheat (lie), for your couple's sake, cut the bullshit and say it loud and proud: "I like sex and I am going to get it somewhere and somehow if I do not get it from you." or say "I am only faithful to my hair stylist, and you should expect love from me, but not fidelity." Or say "I like variety and even though you are my soulmate, I am not willing to renounce it in exchange for being with you." Lastly, you may say: "You are the best thing that I have discovered since Coca-cola was invented, but I will always be looking out for the best and swich when I find it: so be sure to be the best always." Make a contract. Better yet: make a written contract and stick to its contents. Terminate the contract when you no longer wish to fulfill its terms, but please, please, please, do not find excuses for breaching it, while playing the misunderstood victim. You may renegotiate at any time, because no person is static; they (and you) change all the time. This growth and fluidness needs adaptation. Just like when you renegotiate where to live, or what color to paint your house, negotiate what you want about sex and "loyalty." This way, you will not need to cheat or to lie, or to conceal your true feelings and your true self from one who has being, at least once, the most important person in your life. While you do it, try to keep it simple.
When you lie to someone -about anything- you hurt the other person. The hurt comes with humilliation when the object of the lie is something invested with a big social taboo. One may list 7 excuses, like the author did, or 20 more, but all these excuses will serve only to apease your conscience and none will take away the hurt that you will cause to someone else who used to be important to you.
I am not interested in the causes for cheating, because there are as many causes as persons (brillando por su ausencia in the list are some big reasons like: (8) "Opportunity:" because it was the right time and place... (9) "Lost love: relationship died and I have being to lazy to clean up before I start another; (10) "Low self esteem:" Hey! George Clooney and Orlando Bloom just walked in and they want to have sex with ME! Can you believe it? and "(11) Interest:" This guy is richer and can give me presents and a good and comfy time in exchange for a piece of meat... Hmmmm! let's go for it Paradise Island!" The list could keep going and going, like the Eveready rabbit... There will be a good explanation/excuse ALWAYS (Good for oneself, I mean... it may be lousy for the other person).
Bottomline for me is this: People cheat because they fail to reach an agreement in the begining regarding "sex etiquete" and let others (family, society, friends, and almost anyone) decide for themselves what is good and ultimately, when they breach the bonehead and foreign little rule, they act to explain and justify any breach of a "social" agreement in order to save public face and avoid embarrassment (specially if the adventure did not work).
I say: Learn your lesson and next time, make sure you enter in a relationship with a PERSONAL, rather than an unwritten social agreement, and stick to it. Do not lie, and do not avoid assuming responsibilities by inventing "good excuses" for your lack of compliance...
Love your point of view!
Ailan — Sat, 05/08/2010 - 21:25I couldn't have said it better!!!!
We need to create a world with more responsible people, so it's time to stop looking for excuses, and start looking for our personal improvement as human beings. It's about common sense... and being brave.
Very good essay, but...
Ailan — Fri, 05/07/2010 - 22:35I think that people cheat because they do not know what they want and/or has serious problems with being honest. If you have a problem with your partner, sit down with him, or her, and clarify misunderstandings or lack of communication. If you and your partner cannot get to an agreement, then the relationship is not meant to exist. Why not breaking up then?
If the reason is that you are too sexual, then put over the table the fact that you like to sleep with more than one person. If the other person has no problems with that, then YOU ARE NOT A CHEATER ANYMORE!!!
Healthy relationships should be based on friendship. If you are a cheater, you are not a good friend of your partner anymore.
There's a huge lack of spirituality behind the behavior of a cheater.
RE: Why do women cheat?
Anon (not verified) — Fri, 05/07/2010 - 12:29I'm not a cheater, though i considered it at some point. In my case, #2 was more of the reason. My husband and I worked regular hours, but when we got home he'd be focused on everything else he had to do while i focused on dinner, etc and our intimate life took a hit. Like the author explained, at first you're all over eachother, but eventually, you go back to your priorities. With us that's how it worked, we'd be so busy at home after being all day at work that by the time we got to bed we'd be exhausted. It affected me more since I started feeling neglected. You see, for men sex is a physical necessity, but for women it's an emotional necessity as much as it is a physical one. I started feeling more distant, and any touch of afection from him began to hurt because it would just end there. We went from being intimate almost every night, to 3 times a week, to being intimate once during the weekend to once a month. I remember I'd try to lead him on to sleep together and he'd just kiss me good night and go to sleep. I began to cry quietly everytime he did that.
Eventually, I had to resort to masturbation, alone when he was busy. At some point, after that, at a neighbor's birthday, I was talking to a man I had just met and he began to flirt with me. I stopped him right away, told him I was married,etc. But that night my mind wondered What If...? I chose to not take that road, and instead called a marriage counselor- Things changed, I used to judge women before, but now I can understand why a woman would do so.
SHE'S just not that into you...
Superman (not verified) — Thu, 05/06/2010 - 10:04I see your points, and I must give you credit for being fair & neutral from what I 've read on both articles.
Interesting enough, this one reminded me of my own experience with a cheating (ex)girlfriend. Long story short was that she cheated because she was not very commited to our relationship, in fact, she acted a lot like that blonde girl from the movie "She's not that into you".
So, even though i can agree with your points about the lack of intimacy, emotional connection,etc, I think lack of true interest or commitment from the girl must be also considered.
So girls, if you're not that interested in a guy, don't stay in the relationship just to not be alone. When we fall in love, we fall HARD, and its even harder to recover from a broken heart. I'm not saying that girls don't have a hard time too, but you have a different support network, we just have to suck it up and deal with it. So careful with the man's heart.
Can you blame women for
@ngel@ (not verified) — Mon, 05/03/2010 - 15:34Can you blame women for cheating?
I'm sorry guys but I find it very unfair to blame a woman who has given her man all she has, she has given herself to her home and children and gets NOTHING in return- and I hope none of you think i'm talking in a materialistic sense.
Women do a LOT, singlehandedly, and if sparing 10 minutes of her boyfriend/husband's time is too much then he should reconsider why he's in a relationship to begin with.
I find it disgusting when i go out to bars or places and see all these married men getting drunk and talking sh*t while their wives are at home. They claim that they work hard, so they "deserve" it...well guess what? women work hard too!
If a man's wife cheated on him, he was asking for it!
We can...
Ailan — Sat, 05/08/2010 - 21:36...blame both woman and man for cheating. Dishonesty is NEVER good, never plausible. A bad relationship is not the best forum to fight for women's rights.
Excellent article, i think
Babycakes (not verified) — Mon, 05/03/2010 - 15:28Excellent article, i think its nice that you stayed neutral with both men and women.
I also think that, as a woman, you should add a little more info from a woman's perspective as to what can men do to avoid having their woman cheat on them.
Maybe the problem is that we
Manolo Matos — Sat, 05/01/2010 - 11:16Maybe the problem is that we are forced by society to be in monogamous relationships when it's not in our nature. I mean, not having sex is not in our nature and that has lead priests to fuck little children. Think about it...
Maybe the problem is that
The Dude (not verified) — Sat, 05/01/2010 - 14:38Maybe the problem is that nobody can keep it in their pants.
don't trust nothing that
AnonyMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (not verified) — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 17:18don't trust nothing that bleeds for 7 days and don't die
I know who you are!!!!
Ivy (not verified) — Sat, 05/08/2010 - 23:18You are not anonymous. You are mr. Garrison. I already heard that line when you used it in one of the Southpark chapters. You have not being faithful to Mr. Twig, nor to Mr. Hat... You cheater!
With all due respect to the
The Dude (not verified) — Sat, 05/01/2010 - 14:42With all due respect to the author, the other readers and those who comment here...
You, sir, are an idiot.
Of you don't believe a you
Anon. (not verified) — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 18:42Of you don't believe a you delicately stated, then I'll assume you were born from a tree or some kind of plant that grows turds for humans...
Keeping it classy
Jean — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 17:20Keeping it classy
Sorry but that Kkklasy is
Number 3 — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 17:27Sorry but that Kkklasy is missing some Ks.
You can't have class without
I Am Rob — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 17:28You can't have class without the ASS
Cheating: Guys vs Gals
Day Tripper (not verified) — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 16:08Here's the big difference:
Guys have a physiological need to spread their man juice, and get laid (Ever heard of blue balls?)
vs. Gals who are just manipulative by nature and need to play little games to control everyone around them or get what they want.
Nee dan example? easy: I've known both male and female cheaters.
The male cheater did it b/c he really needed to get laid. The female cheater did it to make sure her boyfriend could realize he could lose her any minute.
I dunno about you people, but i can see the big difference.
Wow, Mr.Bin Laden, you must
michael jackson (not verified) — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 19:03Wow, Mr.Bin Laden, you must be quite the lady slayer. How charming and sexy. My name rhymes with a female body part, which you will never guess because for someone of the opinion that women don't have a physical necessity to get laid and therefore only cheat to manipulate men, so this part my name matches with must be a myth in your book. Yes, dating you must be a riot.
I'm sorry, but I gotta say
Day Tripper (not verified) — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 16:02I'm sorry, but I gotta say it: Men cheat because of a physiological necessity- ever heard of blue balls? AND Women cheat because they like that little game & they love to manipulate and control everyone around them.
I know the truth is harsh for the ladies, but they just need to deal with it.
Blue Balls?! Really?
Bea — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 21:26That is a middle school line. I mean, really? If you are so horny you suffer from physical pain, masturbate!!!! Oh, pleez..
No one is responsible for your sexual release, except yourself, and you may choose to do it responsibly or not.
Blue balls, I mean, really, I didn't think people here were underage.....
Just the writers
Manolo Matos — Sat, 05/01/2010 - 11:10Jusr the writers...
I believe that after
Mt. Everest (not verified) — Sat, 05/01/2010 - 14:25I believe that after yesterday, our little (she's short) author is officially Old Enough to Blog. ;)
Yo se de experiencia
Fatal Exception... — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 13:05A mi me dió un Fatal Exception Error cuando mi compañera me las pegó por estar demasiado pendiente al trabajo. Así que el que tenga novia, que la cuide, no importa cuanto trabajo tenga - digo - si la quiere mantener.
Sinceramente, el primer error
I Am Rob — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 13:10Sinceramente, el primer error que cometí con ella fue en salir con una persona que solamente tiene 2 talentos, y solo uno legal. Era bailarina, que en si no es nada malo... pero con la excepción de baile y sexo, ella no sabia mucho mas. Así que cuando ella se jodió la rodilla y dejo de trabajar, dejándome solo para trabajar (por ella no conocer mas), ahí cambio todo.
Sin poder bailar, su bellaquería llego a niveles de hipersexualidad que no pensaba que existían. It was weird.
Llegaba a casa... "lets do it!" ok
Después de cenar... "lets do it!" sure.. why not.
En la mañana "honey, why is your mouth on my... "
You get the point.
Long story short. Don't date a girl with daddy issues and an overactive libido. I should have realized she was trouble when she would change her underwear 3 times daily.
Qué fuerte!
Ailan — Fri, 05/07/2010 - 22:17Qué fuerte!
You got the award...
Manolo Matos — Sat, 05/01/2010 - 11:12Best comment about the subject...
My ex cheated on me because
I Am Rob — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 12:53My ex cheated on me because she had a voracious sexual appetite that I couldn't fulfill while having a life outside of our relationship (ie- working, studying, etc)...
...as a result, I walked on in her in the throes of penetration from a mutual friend.
She should have gotten a job. Then I could have cheated.
Or maybe she just liked being poked. Internally. Repeatedly.
Wow, nothing sexier than a
michael jackson (not verified) — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 19:08Wow, nothing sexier than a man complaining about a woman who has a healthy sexual appetite. Who'd thought that a woman who generates her income from the indiscriminate sexual attention of men would have a less than intellectual and knowledgeable mind? Why, strippers are known to recite the whole constitution from start to finish and know all of the theories of global economy and their authors. Dude, you are turning me ON!!!
If you think about it, men
Chele — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 10:51If you think about it, men and women do cheat for similar reasons, whether it's because they are unhappy with the status of their relationship, vengeance, boredom or just because.
What i do get a sense of is that women are more likely than men to include the emotional component into the "why".
Bravo Becks
Cheating
GrannyIrene — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 10:47I like to simplify, it seems all the above are about people who are disappointed in the primary spousal bond. The next conclusion is that cheating is often an "attempt" to repair what is missing in the primary relationship. So it can be a symptom of a need to repair the original bond.
The original bond can be repaired often if the "symptom" does not wreck the bond as an unintended consequence.
Like Billy Crystal said in
Anonymous (not verified) — Fri, 04/30/2010 - 13:18Like Billy Crystal said in "When Harry Met Sally": That symptom is fu€king your wife.
Cheating is both a cause and effect of discord.
Chele